Couples Counseling

Learned Relationships

I believe relationships (with other people) are one of the most difficult things we do in our lives. Until recently, there were very few ways to learn how to be in a romantic/intimate relationship. Most of us learned by observing our parents or caregivers, and that was it. Unfortunately, the shocking news is that most of our parents/caregivers had no idea how to do this, because they learned by observing their parents/caregivers as well.

There are parents/caregivers who are exceptions to the rule. They observed “healthy” parents/caregivers who learned from their “healthy” parents/caregivers.

Modeling and Unhealthy Behaviors

If you are here today, it is very likely that your parents/caregivers were modeling for you, a variety of “unhealthy” behaviors.

The number of “unhealthy” behaviors a person can observe is infinite. Unhealthy behaviors range from physical/emotional/verbal abuse to substance abuse and codependence to narcissism.

One of the basic needs of any relationship is good communication. Simply stated, being open to listening and trying to understand our partner’s position. The need to help individuals, couples and families develop clear, consistent and non-accusatory communication is where most therapeutic treatment begins.

Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)

After a few initial assessments, and some relationship building with the therapist (me), we begin Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT). IRT was developed to create a couples therapy that was effective in helping partners understand and maintain their relationship.

It is with this therapeutic treatment that each person is seen as an individual who, based on their early childhood exposure to adult relationships around them, brings their ideas about how the couple is supposed to interact. Interestingly, since we have two individuals in the relationship, the mental schemas (how your brain sees it) are different, often, nearly completely opposite. Through a series of written exercises (homework) that are done individually and together, the couple is introduced to the most important place to begin, which is with communication. In Imago Therapy, it is considered “The Essential Skill. Homework is discussed in session (a safe place) and moves to the next exercise of looking at how our human brain deals with these matters based on childhood development, childhood wounds, and then some very interesting looks at how and why we have selected this person as our mate.

There is an additional adjunct approach that I occasionally introduce to couples with children, that looks at how the couple’s current behavior and early childhood development infiltrates into their parenting style(s).

Gottman methods

Couples who chose to go a bit further with rebuilding their relationship are assessed again and then introduced to the Gottman methods of repairing unhealthy behaviors in relationships.

Couples sessions are 75 minutes each. Depending on the severity of the couple’s current situation, twice weekly sessions are recommended, usually for only a few weeks. Then switching to once per week. A big determinant as to how the treatment progresses lies in the couple’s ability to complete the homework assignments.